So yes, I did it.

Even after proclaiming to the blogsphere, Twitterville and FaceBookaria that I would be the last woman standing in line to pay an extra 4 dollars to see Avatar: 3D in stunning IMAX, I went and did the deed. Mostly through recommendations from friends and assurances that “I know you will love it” and on and on. And I hate to disappoint, because I’m a pleaser of sorts, but seriously folks, I didn’t love it, far from it, actually.

But before I launch into my reasons why I felt the movie was not only sub-par, but downright offensive (and not just to the Navi peoples of Pandora), I want to point out some of the better moments of the movie, namely the wow-factor of IMAX 3D and the beautiful colors and imagined landscapes of Pandora. Well, there I’ve said it, it wasn’t entirely craptastic, right?

So the movie starts out…

…oops, this review is super spoilery but since I’m the last person to have seen it then this should be of no consequence to you, right?

…in deep space in the 22^nd century where a passenger vessel is disembarking after a long, almost 6-year journey though the outer galactic regions of space (I seriously need to thank all my years of sci fi reading and the likes of Mr. Orson Scott Card and Mr. Carl Sagan for all my geeky nerdisms when I talk about space travel). We meet our main protagonist, Jake Sully, who is just waking up from cryogenic sleep as the ship he is traveling in reaches the planet called Pandora (wink wink, snerk snerk…oooh, witty, Mr. Cameron, witty). We find out through a series of flashbacks that Jake lost his scientist twin brother in a random act of violence and because of his identical genetic makeup he was recruited to take his place on a “mission” that would pay him a lot of money.  You find out in the following scene that Jake suffers from a damaged spine which leaves him in a wheelchair without the use of his legs and that he needs to go on this mission so he can pay for surgery to repair his spinal cord. So in a future where we can repair spinal cords and clone creatures in giant test tube vestibules from a combination of DNA from different planetary species, nobody can give Jake a wheelchair that’s more like Professor Xavier’s from X-men to make his life just a little bit easier? Inconceivable!

So Jake gets recruited as an Avatar “driver” an Avatar being a creature that has been grown to adult size in a test tube with a combination of human and Navi (the native indigenous people of the planet Pandora) DNA whose neuropathways can be accessed via a brain link in which, the human “driver” is put in a dream like sleep state, plugged into a device that looks like Michael Jackson’s floating sleep chamber and then becomes “aware” in the Avatar body (hey look! I’m 10 feet tall and blue! Cool).

And to make this recap longer than really necessary, (because, like I’ve said, you’ve all seen the movie already and know what all goes down, right?) I will add that the “mission” at hand is for some corporate entity known as the RDA to mine precious resources from Pandora for profit while contracting earth’s military to guard and protect them while they are out there and to promote study of the planet and their people with the likes of scientists like Sigourney Weaver.

The drama comes into play when Jake Sully, as his Avatar, begins to get to know the Navi people, living with them and learning from them with the full intention of infiltrating them and getting them to trust him so the military and the RDA can control these people and get to their bounty (the resources they are mining). Well, Jake goes and learns to love these people and actually falls in love with the Navi Chief’s daughter, fancy that, right?

A battle of the wills ensues and shots are fired and the “Sky People” (we know them as the “humans” or as they are portrayed in the movie, warmongering white men with guns) destroy the Navi’s home and have them all heading for the hills to safety.  A war breaks out and the Navi fight back.

Ok, from here on out, I’m sure you can figure out the rest of the movie because the story basically writes itself from this point.  So what’s my problem with this movie again? Where do I start?

First, this story is basically recycled from years of old James Cameron movies mixed in with some from other screenplays. Cameron basically takes elements from “Dances with Wolves,”  “Aliens,” “Terminator,” “The Abyss,” “Braveheart,” and maybe even a bit of “Piranha 2: The Spawning” and chops up those stories, put them in a blender and what comes out is Avatar. I keep saying you’ve seen this movie before and guess what? You REALLY have. It’s insulting to think that someone can still make money off a movie with this “been there, done that plot!” Who does he think we are? I am a lover of film and story telling, I take immense offense to someone trying to manipulate me into enjoying a regurgitated story. Shame on you, James Cameron, shame on you!

Secondly, I’ve had just about ENOUGH of film makers exploiting the American people and turning us into warmongering idiots on film. This is a movie that has made a billion dollars worldwide and has been seen in numerous countries across the globe and what does it portray and perpetuate: the idea that wars are started and fought by power-hungry conglomerates controlled by WHITE AMERICAN MEN. Come on now, do we not have any hope whatsoever that we are continually making ourselves look like the royal douchebags that the world seems to think we already are? If we are always so pissed about why the world thinks we are a bunch of brainless idiots with guns then we need to start by stopping people like James Cameron from making movies like this.

Ahem, I realize I am not a white man but I am an American so I find offense to this blatant stereotyping of my countrymen.

Thirdly, need I remind the movie-going audience that this is basically a war movie disguised and marketed as the greatest innovation in movie-making in our modern era? Sure the movie portrays the “enemy” as us, the humans, and the victims of war are the peaceful Navi but am I the only person who realized that the Navi are a race of WARRIORS? Um, really people? You be throwing your guns and bombs at a bunch of natives looking for an excuse to fight and what do you think you’re going to get? Sure they gots bows and arrows but they know the land, man! Everyone knows that home field advantage counts for more than most people give it credit for. You going down white man, you going down.

And finally, I am truly sick and tired of the blatant environmental message being constantly shoved down my throat. Yes, we need to conserve and recycle for our future today, damn it, I know that already because it’s constantly in my face! I go to the movies for a bit of escapism and what do I come home with? A hefty message on conservation. You can’t pay enough money for that, folks.Well, at $17 a showing, I guess you CAN.

All in all, I have a lot of issues with this movie (don’t even get me started on why Michelle Rodriguez’s character all of sudden grows a conscience in the most pivotal point of the movie — oh wait, I know, because James Cameron wrote his story into a corner and needed to go to “The Fast and the Furious” for inspiration, that’s why) and it’s obvious that I am not pleased with the time I spent in the theater. With that said, I am glad I saw it because now I can actually say with authority, if asked, that this movie truly exceeded the lowest of my expectations. Come Oscar night when I rally around gems like “Up in the Air” and maybe even cheer on “District 9″ as the underdog, I will silently weep for our generation of movie going audiences if Avatar or James Cameron wins anything for this pathetic excuse for a movie.